7 (FAIRLY) EASY WAYS TO CONNECT WITH YOUR TEENAGER

 
You just brought your baby home yesterday (maybe it was the day before) – and now they have an adult body and a mind of their own.

 

Relax, this does not mean they know it all (they would argue this).

Even if your kid is towering over you now, they still need you – just in a different way. Behind the endless eye-rolling and the cool façade, these beautiful kids are working pretty hard – trying to figure it all out. Figure out how exactly does one become a “grown-up”?  Well, dude, it’s a messy affair.

 Teenagers today really do have a lot to grapple with. Two common challenges are:

• Social anxiety and depression (especially after post-COVID-19). These mental health concerns have increased significantly post-COVID. Many kids look for social connections online and by endlessly texting one another.  Dealing with and talking to another human face-to-face is pretty scary for many teenagers – often paralyzing them in job interviews or even parties.  This can be debilitating on a social level for many.

• Hormones. Ahh, yes, the hormones. It’s no walk in the park, or the mall, for that matter.   Navigating the frequent onslaught of hormones and tidal waves of emotion is a trip they don’t want to take. But have no choice. 

No wonder, as a parent, you feel you don’t know your child anymore.

You can’t seem to find that place you once had together – where laughing and smiles were commonplace.   Take heart – You just have to take another approach.

Here are 7 ways to connect to get you started.

1. Listen

Your teen may endlessly complain that you don’t listen, and OMG, you don’t understand them.  Well, maybe you are guilty as charged. 

When your child finally does talk to you (about whatever) …

 

 

• Put down the cell phone and the busy work and listen.
• Look that amazing kid in the eyes  (loving eyes if you can manage it).
• Mirror back what they just said to you (not word for word); summarize.
• This way of listening to your teen is called active listening and has been shown to really help in improving communication.

You’ll be surprised at how far this goes in opening the door.  

 
 
2. Take an Interest

It is not a huge surprise (to anyone) that most teens are connected at the hip to their tech, phones, and media platforms.

 

Studies have shown that teens spend 8.5 hours/day on digital media on average.
As a parent, there is often an overwhelming desire to lecture and limit their time on it.  
However…you can use their great affection for tech to your advantage. Yet another opportunity for connection.

• Ask them what their favorite apps and platforms are. Their favorite online game? What do they like about it?
• Ask your teen to show you how to use one of them. Just start with one. Easy does it.
• If you are having a good day, ask to play a game with them. Try it out. There are no guarantees, but it is worth a shot.

Believe it or not, it has been shown that what you think about kids’ media usage actually matters to them.

 
3. Take a Tech Break

Now, we swing in the opposite direction.  Worried your teen is a full-on tech addict? (It is probably your fault, of course).

Before you diagnose, try this out first. 

Model what you want. In other words, don’t be a hypocrite (Your teen will not respect or listen to your opinion if you are doing the very same thing).

• Start by being tech-free for 1-2 hours a day. Be a trailblazer in your house.
• Establish tech-free zones. Start with no phones at the dinner table.
• Read a book, pet your dog, listen to music, and ask your kid how their day was.  They may even answer. Small beginnings…

 

4.  Focus on what You do Like

 
Part of the transition to adulthood is for a teen to discover their niche, look, and aesthetic. This involves trying out a lot of new looks. A lot.

Think of it as a teenage version of dress-up. Be kind. Be diplomatic. Go the path less traveled.

Go right ahead and bite your tongue when checking out their new black lipstick and green hair.

 

The secret is to find something, anything, that you do like.  So, what if you absolutely hate their newest look? Well, try saying something like…

• Wow, that’s creative! I haven’t seen those eyebrows, lipstick, piercings, or tattoos before (you get the idea)
• It looks very cool (or sic, or dope, or lit), honey.
• Teens today actually like to be recognized as quirky (read: unique).

This one may be hard to master but don’t give up. It will earn you brownie points! 

 
5. Feed your Teen 

One of the things we can count on in life (other than death and taxes) is that teenagers love to eat. And eat. We can use this to our advantage. Yes, we can. 

 Once a week, take your teen out to eat, just the two of you. They get to pick what fast food restaurant they want on one condition (nothing is free in this world). They pocket their cell phone.

This way, they will be forced to talk to you in between bites. Even if it is only a few grunts. It’s a beginning. Keep at it. Your kid will even start to look forward to it.  

 
6. Be their Storm Shelter

Emotional storms roll in without warning on your child’s bad days.  You may stand there watching as your kid is freaking out.

They are crying and yelling, and you have no idea why. You don’t need to know. This is where you pull out all the stops.

Just listen. Don’t lecture. Hold their hand.

 

Don’t try and fix your kid -they are absolutely not broken. The storm will pass.

Being heard unconditionally will increase their trust in you. As someone they can actually talk to.

This is a win-win, no doubt.  

 

7. Let Your Kid Fail

 

Do not be embarrassed by your failures; learn from them and start again. Richard Branson.

I know this seems counter-intuitive, but hear me out.

One of the hardest things a parent must do for their kid is let go. 

Despite your well-intentioned lectures, unsolicited advice, and micro-managing, you cannot save your kid from being hurt or from failing. Miserabley. Nor should you. 

Kids learn by giving them the space to try and fail and then try once again. It is how we all learn, really.  Trial and error.

 All your teen really needs to know is that you have their back.

That you will pick them up and hug them when they skin their knee or have their heart broken. No matter what.  

What more could a kid ask for?

 

Takeaway

Parents – be gentle with yourself. Kids don’t come with a manual.

 Every parent, every kid, every situation is different than yours – so please don’t compare yourself with that Rockstar Mom or ultra-cool Dad.

You are undoubtedly doing your best.